Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
