"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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