so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
