i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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