Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
