she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
