Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
That's intense
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
