im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My Higher Power is John Stamos
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
