She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
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