Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
