all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
