I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
