Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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