Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
