OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
