Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
