do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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