i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
