im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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