Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
