There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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