im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
being pregnant is like rehab
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
