She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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