I accidentally had phone sex last night
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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