are you still at the devil's house?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
