How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
