Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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