the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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