the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Two words: blizzard sex
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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