At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
