What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I need to align my fucking chakras
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