All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
