so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
