too bad you live with your parents still
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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