I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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