I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
