saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
