I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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