you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
