Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
