Welp...herpes.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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