nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
