I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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