everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
