I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
