Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
