ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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