oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
