i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
