Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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