When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
