My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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