I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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